He is Not Your Enemy

You aren't together anymore, but he still makes your life crazy!

He insults, lies, doesn't pay or complains about child support, calls you names, and misconstrues your every word and intention. It isn't fair, doesn't stop, and might never improve.

You are not in control of him or his behavior, but he is still controlling you. Your emotional life is up and down because of him. You don't want him in your life, but he is still your child’s father. How do you get off the roller coaster?

You might have people tell you that you just need to forgive him and suck it up for umpteen more years. You think you would be able to forgive if it were just a few times, but his bad behaviors go on and on and will never stop. You might have people tell you to make his life as miserable as he makes yours, but that makes it worse. 

There is another way, and it starts with you.

You can get off the roller coaster when you decide on a new pathway and choose to quit the psycho dance with your ex. It won't change him or how he treats you, but it will change your attitude and how you approach your relationship. Psycho dancing takes two people. You can quit.

Pray for wisdom and him. God promises wisdom to people who ask and implement (James 1:8). One of my biggest breakthroughs happened when I took responsibility for my negative contribution to an argument—after begging God for wisdom. God changed my perspective on the individual and healed the relationship. Honestly assess your role in negative patterns and ask God for a new perspective on your ex. Ask God to help you see him differently. Satan is our enemy, not your ex. You can even ask God to bless your ex.

Intentionally build margin into your life. Develop a quiet time for restoration and thankfulness. Be less busy so you are not always exhausted and at the end of your rope. This might be difficult, as there are too many good things to do. Yet, building your reserves and margin by spending time alone with God is the best investment you can make. 

Choose your response to him. Think through and plan how to respond so that you don't just react in the same ways and repeat old patterns. Practice how you will respond in the future. Ask a friend to help you practice what and how you will say it. 

Be fair and act in your child's best interests. Don't say or do things out of anger or spite. Don't take advantage of him or try to punish him (even when that is what he does to you). Think about what is best for your child and work for that. You are in a relationship with him because you share a child. That child is watching how you respond and will model your behavior in the future. Remember the "golden rule": treat him like you would like to be treated. Assume he has good intentions and is not purposely trying to be difficult.

Decide to forgive. Forgiveness is about your freedom, not his. Holding on to anger and bitterness hurts you and the people around you (i.e., your child). Forgiveness is an act of will, not emotion. Forgiveness is letting go of your "right" to judge and punish, leaving that to God. You will likely need to repeat this "act of will" many times before it becomes a reality. Keep in mind that forgiveness doesn't mean that you keep allowing abusive behavior. 

Set and hold clear boundaries. Identify the broken boundaries in your relationship. Establish new boundaries in a clear, respectful way. If he is threatening or dangerous, don't allow him in your home; only communicate via OurFamilyWizard or a similar program, only meet in public, and don't enable bad behavior. If he is harming or endangering your child, involve the police and courts. Do not allow threatening, abusive behavior.

Choose to show him honor. Many women desperately want their child's father to be a better father, act better, or be a better example. But the harder we try to make that happen, the worse it gets. You break negative cycles when you realize that YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF OR RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. You are not and will not be in control of him, so give it up.

You do, however, have influence, but only if he doesn't feel threatened or demeaned by you. Use your influence to speak life and encourage your children and their father. Communicate with and about him respectfully, especially in front of the kids. Choose not to badmouth him to others. Remember that your response is a choice. He may not deserve honor or respect, but you can choose to treat him with dignity. You will not regret taking the high road and modeling good relationship skills to your kids. 

Treating him honorably also allows kids to enjoy time with their dad without feeling guilty. It teaches kids how to be respectful of others. Kids love their parents despite their bad behavior. Many kids want to spend time with their father, even if he is not the best person. 

Understand that we learn and grow the most from difficult times and with the most difficult people. Despite your best efforts, your ex may continue to act like a jerk, mistreat you, and withhold support, but your response can break the control he has over you. When you are in the place to choose your response instead of reacting, you will have self-respect and integrity. Over time, you will realize you are not trapped in the same negative patterns.