Learn to Resolve Conflict

Your children and your future self will thank you.

Conflict Happens

Conflict is an inevitable part of being human—it is woven into our story. We have conflicts with our kids, between siblings, with partners, friends, coworkers, and even on the sports field.

How we manage conflict matters because it has huge implications for our success in our families, relationships, work, and other activities. As a single mom, you already carry many stresses. Learning to handle conflict with grace will reduce chaos in your home and bring peace.

Perhaps you grew up in a household with lots of yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Or maybe conflict was handled by ignoring issues, using the dreaded “silent treatment,” or refusing to speak for days. These experiences may have left you with a distorted view of conflict resolution, leading you to avoid it altogether.

Learning to wisely and graciously handle conflict is an essential life skill we must develop and teach our children. It is also one of God’s primary tools to shape and refine our character. Conflict is an opportunity to break dysfunctional generational patterns and become a peacemaker. Being a peacemaker isn’t easy. It requires courage to listen to things that may not feel good, to speak up and act, and to put aside selfish motives. As a Christ-follower, look to scripture for guidance. Romans 12 is a good place to start.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  – Romans 12:9-10, 14, 16-18

Biblical Principles for Resolving Conflict

• Honor others above yourself with respect, gentleness, and kindness, even during conflict.

• Go directly to the person to resolve issues.

• Examine yourself, taking responsibility for your behaviors, motives, and attitudes.

• Strive to live in harmony and be a peacemaker.

• Avoid revenge or repaying evil with evil (e.g. hitting back, insulting, gossiping).

• Do everything within your control to live at peace with others.

• Use words and actions to build up others and teach character.

• Sometimes it is right to overlook a wrong and not take offense.

• Never nurture a grudge; forgiveness is essential.

• Remember, the person you are in conflict with is not your enemy.

• View conflict as an opportunity to grow as a Christ-follower.

Conflict is a Growth Opportunity

The key to conflict resolution is viewing it as an opportunity for growth and learning. Conflict builds life skills such as calming, communication, friendship, goal setting, assertiveness, empathy, self-control, negotiation, compromise, collaboration, problem-solving, flexibility, overlooking wrongs, acceptance, and more.

When you think of conflict as a normal, inevitable part of life that you can learn from, it is easier to stay calm and problem-solve. Instead of exploding in anger, you can open the door to understanding and connection with the person you’re in conflict with. Remember that you can’t resolve problems until you deal with them. Ignoring or bypassing conflict or difficult relationships won’t make it better.

Benefits of Conflict Resolution

• A more peaceful home – both in your relationships and between your children

• Less tension and stress

• A clear conscience

• Freedom from constantly going over situations in your head and becoming bitter

• A deeper understanding of the other person

• Stronger and closer relationships

• Opportunities to speak life into others and affirm their gifts

• Increased self-respect

• Embracing your God-given identity as a peacemaker

• Breaking dysfunctional generational patterns

• Ability to be effective in your relationships at work

What Conflict Resolution is Not

Many people wrongly believe that conflict resolution means simply giving in, capitulating, or pretending to agree while secretly feeling resentful. True conflict resolution is not:

• Ignoring situations and hoping they go away

• Getting your way at all costs

• Punishing the other person

• Giving up

• Fully venting your anger

• Being in control or in power

• Getting revenge

• Suppressing your anger and pretending everything is fine

Conflict resolution starts with the goal of understanding and resolving the issue, accepting the other person’s perspective, and working toward a solution you can both live with—or agreeing to disagree with respect. What is your true goal? Do you want to understand the other person and make peace, or simply prove you’re right? Make it your goal to become a peacemaker and teach your kids to become peacemakers by gracefully dealing with conflict.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” – Matthew 5:9

Steps to Resolve Conflict

CALM

1. Calm yourself first. If you are angry, don’t start to argue or discuss the situation until you can control your words and actions. Take a timeout, walk away, or schedule a later time to talk.

2. Ask the Lord for wisdom. (James 1:5)

3. Remind yourself of your bigger goals. You want a peaceful home, Christ-like character, good relationships, and to teach your children well.

4. Examine your role and attitudes. What did you contribute? Are you seeking peace or just trying to prove you’re right? What do you want as a result? (e.g., mutual agreement, teaching children, improved relationships).

LISTEN

5. Go directly to the other person when calm. If possible, have the discussion in person, but never by text or social media.

6. Listen to understand. Don’t interrupt, disagree, or show disrespect. Ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand.

DISCUSS

7. Advocate your perspective gently. Using “I” language, explain how you feel and why. Sincerely apologize for any hurt you caused, even if they don’t apologize.

8. Discuss potential solutions/problem solve. This might include a compromise, taking turns, agreeing to disagree, overlooking wrongs, consequences for wrong behaviors, restitution, apologies, or a combination of solutions. The point of the discussion is to move forward in an honoring, respectful manner.

   
   

CELEBRATE

9. Celebrate progress. Even if you didn’t fully agree, celebrate that you handled the conflict with wisdom.

Do’s and Don’ts of Conflict Resolution

DO	DON'T
Calm down first	Ignore the issue hoping it will go away
Remember your big goals for your family	Assume the worst of others
Ask God for wisdom and insight	Think you know the whole truth without listening
Determine to resolve the conflict by working through it	Act on your feelings
Test your own motivation	Be disrespectful or allow your child to be disrespectful (name-calling, swearing, eye-rolling)
Prioritize relationships over being right or in control	Talk over or louder than the other person
Listen first and be curious	Bring up past resolved issues
Use “I” language (e.g., “I feel hurt when…”)	Solve all your children’s conflicts for them
Sincerely apologize for harm you’ve caused	Cancel or withdraw from relationships without resolution
Find out the real “why” behind behaviors (fear, jealousy, etc.)	Get into power struggles to “win”
Speak positively about the other person	Gossip or criticize to gain allies
Assume the best – or don’t assume at all	Avoid conflict by giving in
Discuss possible solutions	Use words like “always” or “never”
Celebrate progress and relationships
Remain in control of your behavior
Provide discipline and require restitution as appropriate

Things to Remember

• Conflict is normal and can deepen relationships.

• The only way out is through. Don’t ignore or bypass conflict; work through it.

• Conflict builds essential life skills.

• Start with the right attitude and teach your children to do the same.

• Calm yourself before engaging.

• Remember the other person is not the enemy; you’re on the same team.

• Conflict resolution is a skill that takes practice.

• Teach your children to resolve conflicts on their own.

• Address conflict quickly to prevent bitterness.

• Humor can help diffuse tension.

• Sometimes you must accept differences and faults in others.

• Some behaviors may stem from trauma or sensitivities.

• Solutions often require boundaries and consequences.

• Disagreement is not unkind if done with compassion.

• Resentment is a poor investment of your energy.

• State your feelings and teach your children to do the same.

• Accept that some people are not interested in resolving conflict. Do your best and do your part.

Verses about Conflict

• Proverbs 12:18 – The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

• Matthew 18:15 – If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.

• Matthew 7:3-5 – Remove the plank from your own eye first.

• Romans 12:9-10, 14, 16-18 – Live in harmony, honor others, and live at peace as far as it depends on you.

• Ephesians 4:29 – Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

• Ephesians 4:31-32 – Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

• James 3:17-18 – Wisdom from heaven is peace-loving, considerate, and full of mercy.

• James 1:19-20 – Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

• Hebrews 12:15 – See that no bitter root grows to cause trouble.

• Matthew 5:38-40 – Turn the other cheek.

• Proverbs 19:18 – Discipline your children while there is hope.

• Proverbs 19:11 – Overlook wrongs to earn esteem.

• Proverbs 29:22 – A hot-tempered person starts fights and gets into sin.

• Matthew 5:9 – Blessed are the peacemakers.

• Ephesians 4:15 – Speak the truth in love.

Peacemaker vs. Peacebreaker

PEACEMAKER	PEACEBREAKER
Listens before responding (James 1:19)	Gets angry quickly (Proverbs 29:22), interrupts, talks over others
Speaks truth gently and respectfully	Uses harsh, critical, or demeaning words
Seeks understanding, looks for the best explanation of a situation	Assumes motives and judges intentions
Confesses wrongs humbly	Blames others, refuses responsibility
Forgives quickly and fully	Holds grudges and seeks revenge
Works to restore relationships	Seeks to win or prove a point
Responds with gentleness	Returns evil for evil
Disciplines with wisdom	Ignores misbehavior or situations
Restrains anger, overlooks wrongs	Gives full vent to anger
Prays for wisdom and peace	Acts out of anxiety, anger, or pride
Uses conflict to teach and build unity	Uses conflict to shame or isolate
Sets healthy boundaries with love	Controls or manipulates
Remembers God is watching	Speaks without honoring God

Final Encouragement

Conflict resolution is not easy, but as you practice these skills, you will become a stronger, wiser, and more Christ-like mother and peacemaker. Your children will learn from your example, building a family identity of love, honor, and peace.